Dec 15, 2015

Somewhere Only We Know

So, I have just finished watching 有一个地方只有我们知道 or Somewhere Only We Know. One off my movie bucket list! Whew. And it's 2.43 am now.

Too bad, even though many who watched it said that it was a tear-jerking movie, I did not cry. Weird. Maybe I was focusing too much on the actor (Wu Yi Fan, my all time celebrity crush weeee), hahahaha. I really don't know why I didn't cry. Well, it is still a nice movie nevertheless.

*types this while repeatedly listening to the movie's OST*

One of the elements the movie focuses on is the 'The One' concept. This reminds me of an article I read from Brain Pickings (a nice page, seriously) which discusses on the mindset of 'The One' in society. Since when does this belief of The One occur? What do we expect to see or have from The One? Why do we just have The One - but not many? Why, on the first place, do we even have this 'belief'?

Many I know, believe in The One. The one that we will be spending our whole life with. Maybe if we're not that long-lived, then he or she will be the one we will love for our whole life. The one that understands us and accepts us just the way we are. The one that we will spend our happy times and sad times together. The one that will always be there for us. At the same time, we know we will always be there for them too. Et cetera.

All the fantasies we build in that tiny brain we have. Smash together into 'The One'.

Oddly, I believe in it.

However perhaps, not the way most will do. I think that The One doesn't necessarily need to be a husband or a boyfriend. It just has to be someone we can be very, very close to. Someone we can really connect with. Not even necessarily in a romantic relationship. It can be a platonic relationship. And maybe it doesn't have to be someone from the opposite gender, it can just be anyone. But personally, I would think of The One as a guy I think. I don't know, besides I mingle better with guys than girls (again, I think).

Anyway, what I want to say is he/she doesn't even have to be married to us or even be in a romantic relationship. You can be unmarried, but there is always The One for you. The one that can be your closest friend ever. And both might be even unmarried but just aren't interested in marrying or dating each other. There are so many other commitments in the world to do, and clearly marrying The One is just one of them. It might not be even important. You can still survive without a partner, right?

Hmm, perhaps I shouldn't use the pronoun 'you' or 'we' or 'us'. It's just me, anyway. Just my personal opinions, okay people okay.

And typing this reminds me of what my friends told me, "I really can't imagine if May will get married one day." And another friend of mine also said, "I will definitely interview that guy and ask 'how do you get May', like seriously. But I don't even know if that's gonna happen."

I really find those remarks funny, not even offensive. I understand my friends, who know why they said that.

I'll just see and wait. But one thing I'm sure, I'm not desperate because I never hope for it either. I have learnt many things from previous years. Dark things, but at least now I have many good folks who care for me and I care for them too. Life is really good, for the mean time. There are many other things I want to do and here I go, saving the world! *puts a superhero mask and flies*

“现在。。。拥抱你身边的人吧”
(For now... embrace the people around you.)
- 有一个地方只有我们知道 / Somewhere Only We Know

Dec 9, 2015

The Scolds, Snaps and Snarls

Perhaps one of the dreams everyone has is to make his or her family happy. Just simply happy is enough.

I used to think that obtaining perfect grades can do that. And it is also something I can do. But when I no longer saw the excitement in anyone's face as I flaunted my 'perfect' scores, I do not think so anymore. 

So I groom myself into a nice girl. With manners. With shut mouth. Because I am too blunt for my own sake. But I slowly turn to be someone rotting, quiet and insensitive. I honestly do not like this transition. 

Coming out recently from a boarding school, being home is like a new life. Well, not really a completely new life but something unusual to adapt. In school, I wasn't scolded because we were scolded only for our demerits (obviously, I am a disciplined girl *pukes*). But at home, I have to take care of manners, dinner etiquette and all the little things that I had forgotten as I entered boarding school. The little, essential life things. And skills to be a decent girl for the sake of getting married in the future (but now no more, I told my grandmother that I am not doing it for the sake of a guy). 

I do not think I was that bad but it seems to be I am. It is causing me headaches... This part of many soft skills that I apparently lack of. The intrinsic values such as respecting elders, helping family members, I am quite sure I have. But not the detailed ... (I don't even know the suitable word to put) um, ones. 

And as always, since I was small until now, I am forever scolded for talking back. There is just a part of me who wants to rebel the slanders. It is essential - you got to defend what is right and what your reasons are. But yeah nope. And I have no idea how Permata's teachers face Permata's students because we like to talk back so much. Or perhaps just my class, I don't know. But what I know is, it is encouraged because the teachers know we would not talk back nonsense. And that shows our critical thinking! Tadaa~ (so many excuses, one of my usually unappreciated fortes)

One more problem I have and I only blame myself for it: I lack common sense so much. And I am always scolded for it! But I am seriously blaming myself for it. Ugh, I have no idea how to make myself smarter. Back in school I am appreciated for my brains but at home, ideas do not matter (based on personal experience, yes). You have to be street smart to survive home. You're not adept enough, then no uh, you do not qualify to be a part of the Wee (Papa's side of family is less strict) or Soo (especially) families. And all this while, I have always survived with a Soo-established grade of a JB or 'Just Barely'. Just joking, but yeah haha. 

As how confined stuffs can go sometimes, I would sometimes sit in the living room, half mad after scolding and half sad, and just laugh at all of this. Well, I understand the intentions of my family members very well, though sometimes I'll be like, "What?". But that's my responsibility as a part of the family, I guess.

But one thing I really hope for, is that I will not get scolding anymore. *rereads sentence* Okay, let's just say I hope I will not get scolding anymore so much. "Why, you don't get so much scolding back in school that you need some here, is it?" Ouch. I just find scolding so demotivating but I do not tell any family members that, because they should know but if not, then... it's okay. I am always okay, well.

And I should know, that scolding perhaps helps others to release their stress. So, I just have to accept it, at least it will make others less stressed (I aspire to alleviate people's sufferings) even though I will be affected but again, I'm okay.

And people might say, "Then be a better person! Improve yourself, then you won't get so much scolding anymore. It is your fault that you get scolding." 

And I scream so loud in my own world so that nobody should hear, "I KNOW, IT IS MY FAULT. BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW, I AM TRYING VERY FREAKING HARD TO FREAKING IMPROVE." Then a small kid, hiding behind my mind with her knees drawn to her chest, softly whispers, "Please don't scold me. Please don't snarl at me." 

I am trying. There are a whole lot of time (sometimes I think it's inappropriate to even think time is abundant) to improve myself. Back in school, I used to be stressed due to studies, but now I am stressed because I want to make my family happy. "This is freaking insane~" that sometimes I just want to pull my hair like a maniac but it'll cause me a headache.

I will work harder until I burst.

I love my family, that is why I want to make them happy. I really just want to make them happy, that's it and I will be happy. I don't want them to be annoyed of me, like please. Because if they do, then I'll... feel immensely disappointed of myself. 

Kito sobar jo lah ye, May.

P/S: For humour and self-reflective purpose. 

Moment

I am desperately waiting for the moment. It's killing me, the uncertainty. It's bothering me. I just want to know and only then I can tell what the heck is wrong with me. Why I am acting weird. Why I seem to be cold. Sometimes I can't hold it anymore but I can't tell unless the moment comes.

I keep punching the air or my pillow. I hate to be in this state. I never thought I will be for a long time. I just want to get over it and tell.

There is too much sunshine around that I need a storm to tell. A storm to disguise my intentions. A storm to make the world seem dark, at least when the moment comes. 

Nov 22, 2015

Loss

On this date, last year, I spat out my dinner upon a call that was not expected at all. I rushed to the living room to see my aunt and uncle howling over a phone call. Instead of asking what was happening, I stood quiet, heart thumping faster anyone could imagine, "Couldn't it be..."

We rushed back to the exact same place we just pushed off from. Twice the journey, the latter was never arranged. Never in our minds. Uncle was driving but in the dark, he too was wiping the tears. I couldn't remember what I did but I knew it was a mixture of feelings I could not describe. But one thing I know was present is, guilt. The guilt that haunted me since we were back in an Indian restaurant. The guilt that made me cried as I saw you.

I am shaking, my nose is running and I can feel the wind down my bare legs.

As I carried the tray, making circles and the smoke lingered around my face, I could not blame myself enough. The guilt was too much and I still carry it until now. The guilt of being an undesirable niece. The guilt of even thinking about that. The guilt of not communicating with you, because I think I was that undesirable that I would annoy you with words coming out from my mouth. The guilt of sighing slightly if I was just in the car with you because I knew it would be a very quiet and awkward journey (and I wouldn't make it any better because I think my talks annoy you). The guilt of constantly thinking that you just do not like me. And so I avoided you so much.

At that moment, I could not remember how many times did I say sorry for I am indeed a bad person. A bad niece, I would prefer to specify. Tears just rolled and rolled and they were tears of guilt, failure, sadness and realisation. I failed to be a lovely, dear niece that I should have been. I failed to make one of my small, little, personal goals into a reality, which is to finally feel that I do not longer annoy you with my presence or even to think of that prejudice (which I might just create in my own mind all this while) in the first place.

As I won the Best Poet for the poem I wrote dedicated to you, I wonder if you would know about it. It was never intended to be known in the first place, but only in this barren blog strangers would read. But now Aunt already printed, laminated it and she put it beside your picture. And when I stood on the stage with the first prize for iFSC, I remembered I told you last year that I was doing a research proposal on diabetes. But you left even before I started my research and now I won one for you. And also how my voice would slightly shake when the interviewer asked me if family experience is why I want to study Biophysics.

I go back home every time to see your picture the first thing. I would silently greet. Sometimes I pray, sometimes I do not because I think it would put a huge responsibility on you if I asked for safety or for your blessing, as example. I think you have done enough for me all this while even though I failed to acknowledge that fully and I also do not have the right to ask for anything anymore. But when I do, it is only for your wife and that is enough for me.

I am a sinner. Even if I cry million times, I would still feel remorseful but that does not make me stop crying or stop saying sorry. This is a loss. And there are other losses that I could not feel even though I know they exist.

I am sorry, Je Ee Tiu. I promise to take care of Je Ee until my very last breath, I promise.

Rest in peace. 

Nov 12, 2015

Family

Two of us were in the kitchen, cleaning bean sprouts to cook for dinner.

"Ah May... I wonder why would you agree to stay with us during the holidays?"

"What do Ah Ma mean?"

"I mean, we didn't take care of you before unlike your elder sister. You don't have to actually come back here every holidays but instead you come back every time. I thought you would never like to stay here, especially this holidays because your sister couldn't make it, but you still come back to accompany us."

I looked at my grandmother. Her eyes started to glimmer behind her spectacles.

"Ah Ma, why would you think that? Even though you did not take care of me when I was little unlike Che (my elder sister), both of you are still my grandfather and my grandmother. We are a family, so of course I come back. This is still my kampung (hometown), Ah Ma, because you two are here."

There was a silence, then she nodded slowly. I hoped she understood, and I knew she did. I did not say a word anymore and I too, continued cleaning.  

***

"You can never say never,
while you don't know when,
time and time again,
younger now than we were before.

Don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go." - The Fray

Nov 10, 2015

Perks of being an INFP

So I was very bored and I felt so lifeless so I ended up reading articles on INFP, which is a type of personality based on Myers-Briggs types (bla bla bla can definitely find more details in the Internet). Apparently I'm an INFP and I finally felt understood so much by a non-existent being. *cries* Anyway I don't really trust personality types but this one describes me like 90-95% accurately so yeah it's something big to me. The other 5-10% is because I believe there's only one and only me. *smiles smugly*

I'll just type down some excerpts that I find particularly very funny and accurate at the same time:

"Constantly being mistaken for an extrovert because you act goofy to those whom you've never met, and being able to witness the confusion on their faces when you proudly announce that you're actually an introvert."

"We can be very negative... people always seem to think we're always optimistic about everything. That every INFP is so cheerful that their farts send out rainbows and their burps lovely little flowers of joy."

"We don't like focusing on solely one thing. A lot of kids and teenagers growing up, usually only have one thing in mind that they want to be, and one thing only. If they don't have one thing in mind, they're usually very unsure about what they want to be. INFPs are very different, in the sense that, mostly thanks to their idealistic nature, they'll likely have multiple things in which they'd like to be."

""Name one thing you want to be when you grow up." Only one? Why one, when I have so many?"

"We just find so many things fascinating, that it would be boring to learn, or do one thing for the rest of your life."

"Naturally they all didn't get it, my point is we don't like sticking to one thing for the rest of our life."

"...best solution that I can think of is to distract us... The third best is with food, especially if we're hangry people... that is people who get angry/moody when they're hungry."

And another link on 25 Joys only INFPs Will Understand: HERE

So yeah, the end haha.

P/S: I'm so sorry Mummy and Papa, I don't study hard enough these few days *cries* 

Nov 8, 2015

Drown

"What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead.
Got a hole in my soul, growing deeper and deeper.
And I can't take one more moment of this silence.
The loneliness is haunting me.
And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up.

It comes in waves, I close my eyes.
Hold my breath and let it bury me.
I'm not okay, and it's not alright.
Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?

Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?
Save me from myself, don't let me drown.
Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?
Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

What doesn't destroy you, leaves you broken instead.
Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper.
And I can't take one more moment of this silence.
The loneliness is haunting me.
And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up.

It comes in waves, I close my eyes.
Hold my breath and let it bury me.
I'm not okay, and it's not alright
Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?

Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?
Save me from myself, don't let me drown.
Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?
Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

'Cause you know that I can't do this on my own.
'Cause you know that I can't do this on my own.
'Cause you know that I can't do this on my own.
('Cause you know that I can't do this on my own.)

Who will fix me now?
Who will fix me now?
Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown."

- BMTH

Nov 6, 2015

Happiness

I feel happiness when I am learning physics at my own pace, as I daydream or 'night-dream'. I feel happiness when I am listening to soothing soundtracks and watching philosophical and inspirational videos. I feel happiness when I am quietly alone, doing what I enjoy.

Joy is a different thing. I use that when others are present.

Happiness for me is melancholic.

Oct 22, 2015

Thank You

As I grow up and face many different challenges, I realise that I can't get to this stage without others. That I can't still be alive today if not for everyone else, besides my capability.

I am thankful. 

I am thankful to God, Lai Kong, Lai Ma and Buddha for guiding me, taking care of me all this while. For enlightening me, for protecting me, for blessing me. For giving me chances and opportunities. For listening to me when I am in despair, for giving me the confidence when I break, for giving me the space to confide during the dark times. For making me believe that there are people watching over me when I am alone. For giving me the invisible moral support that I need the most and for letting me to live until now. 

I am thankful for my family. Thankful for bringing me to this world, for raising me up until now. For shaping me into who I am now, for supporting me all this while. For loving me and allowing me to love them back. For being the ones I can hold on to, for appreciating who I am without changing me. For giving me the best life education any child can receive, for believing that I can handle everything by myself, at my own pace. For giving me a special name I can be proud of and for accepting me as a part of a family.

I am thankful for my teachers. For teaching me many things. For showing me that there is compassion between non-blood-related people. For burning yourself to shine others. For being patient with me, for handling my attitude when you are not paid to do so. For teaching me even when it is past the office hours just to make sure I understand. For showing me that teaching is not an easy task that should not be underrated. For giving me life tips and for inspiring me to serve people better.

I am thankful to my friends. I thank them for being close to me when none of my family members are around. For cheering me up, for putting a smile on my face, for making me laugh the loudest. For reminding me to pray, for giving me wishes, for letting me believe people are warm. For teaching me that friends are always there even though we might not be close. For helping me when I am in need. For taking care of me when I am sick, for worrying after my safety. For allowing me to just be myself, for telling me that I am special and for convincing me that you will always be there for me. 

I am thankful to any people I have come across with, that are either too unrelated or too beyond to be listed under this 4 categories. Thank you for teaching me life lessons. Thank you for complimenting me. Thank you for boosting my confidence. Thank you for helping me and thank you for inspiring me. 

Be thankful. There are so many things to thank about. That sometimes it makes me think if I am worth all those things. Everyone is just... too nice. I am so humbled and honoured. Really, thank you. 

Oct 12, 2015

Multi-lessons

Blood and blusher. Both start with a 'b'. Both are red. What differs them perhaps, one is used to rouge pale face. Another is used to let out stuffs, platelets or maybe, feelings. At least blusher stays, it conceals. Blood continues to flow, stops only when it is meant to stop. When you lack phylloquinone or maybe, emotions, it flows and flows. But slowly it dries up. Leaving you with a temporary scab then a scar to teach you a lesson.

Wondering why it's hard to stop tonight?

Be thankful, be tactful, be quiet.

"That is why, May, silence is rewarding."

I believe Lai Kong, Lai Ma, Buddha and God will always be around.

P/S: I'm definitely not cutting myself, I'm not that depressed yet. 

Sep 19, 2015

Sanguine

"Life is too short to be sad."

*sighs* I should learn to be happy. I just hope I'm not pretending, though.

But really, I should get cheery again. Perhaps this one week holiday might help. 

BE HAPPY, MAY! WOOOHOOO YEEEHAAAAA 

Note the effort, please. Hahaha

Less than three months more to end high school. But that also means I have less than three months to be with my friends. Oh God... that's so fast and sad... I love Erudite! *cries and hugs imaginary bolster*

I really can't imagine not being in school. I don't miss the school, I miss the people. Oh man...    

So that should motivate me to be happy - because you only live once, YOLO! Except if you are a believer of rebirth or reincarnation (which I am a Buddhist err... but let's just put that aside lol). Okay, let's just put it this way: you only will go through every experience once! So every second is momentous and we should appreciate it. I am trying to be very motivational and optimistic here. 

P/S: When there are a lot of asterisks and 'haha's, that means I am in quite good mood. Haha happy holidays. May this one week be a productive one *fingers crossed* 

Sep 17, 2015

Intended Annoyance

So... I think I am a jerk. No, I believe I am a jerk. Seriously, I am. There's no point hanging hopes on a person like me because I may break and crash all your hopes and dreams. I am not like what you imagine. I am nastier, I don't deserve anyone to think they know me and they should care about me. Best advice from me: Don't care about me. I am not worth it. I am not keeper.

How I deal with this?

I annoy people. Yeap, I'll do many ways to annoy people as much as possible until they find it frustrating to keep up with me. Then one by one everyone will go away. That's what I do to people who are too close to me. Not all, but mostly. When I find someone hanging their hopes on me, I'll annoy them. I'll ignore them. I'll avoid eye contact. I'll remain silent and insensitive to what they need. I'll pretend that I'm emotional and I won't talk to them. I want them to think how inconsiderate I am. I want them to think that I'm not a sport. I want them to think that I'm not worth their care.

That's how I want it. I don't want people to care for me if I don't think that I can do the same. So, please please, if I annoy you, accept it. I really need you to hate me and just let me sink in my own abyss of feelings. Personally I'll be either heartbroken or lonely; but I do not mind as long as I don't need to drag or burden other people.

I don't want people to think I'm annoying because that feels terrible but I have to, at times. So yeah, find me annoying. Hate me. Leave me. Please live a good life. I'll observe and pray for you from afar.

Why am I doing this?

"We accept the love we think we deserve." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower  

Finally I understand it. 

Sep 11, 2015

Friends

"Happiness can be found when you stop comparing yourself to others."

If I was the old May, I wouldn't have found this true. But now, I couldn't agree more.

One thing I realise tonight, I have many friends who either have grasped or are on their way to grasp eminent achievements. They have been on a hard journey, with so much effort spent to climb to their dreams.

As I observe my childhood friends going through each stages of their lives, it oddly gives me a sense of satisfaction, even though I am neither them or their family members. I am just their friend.

Yes, friend. That's it.

Truth to be told, I am so happy for my friends. I am happy when I see them growing more matured day by day. I am happy when I see them achieving what they wanted all this while. I am happy when I see them receiving many opportunities they deserve to. I am happy, seeing my friends on their way to their dreams.

I am really happy.

And I sense no jealousy at all. Not even a tiny bit.

That is what I call, true friendships. They don't come easy, but once you prove that it's worthy, you know I'll be there forever.

I don't show how much I care physically, but dear friends, know that I will be always here, supporting for you guys, no matter what, always.

Sep 5, 2015

Feelings

I feel terrible. I can feel my heart weighs heavier than ever. When all I want is to let people know what I feel and what I think, but people do not accept it as well as I do.

I am proud for keeping a deadpan face all this while - or even a happy-go-lucky face. People describe me as a person who seems to be so carefree, has no problems at all or does not care what others say. It is not wrong at all. I am indeed like that, except that it is just a mask I hold all this while in this ever-lasting masquerade.

That is why I never wanted attention, even if I wanted it. I showed a little bit of the bare me but, I was looked with disgust. How can I even reach others if the ones that I reached to now cringe away from me? I know I am wrong, if not, why would they all go away? But if I say, it is who I am - will you accept?

Therefore the inner me eventually gives up. There is no point waiting for people to enter because I have built my own wall. Because no one understands fully as much as one does.

I'm not blaming anyone. I am blaming myself for being complicated. I shut people out. As how much I wanted people to enter, I am content to be in my own bubble.

I am messed up - a lot, this time.

Sorry to confide in you when you are not prepared. I have made a mistake.

I will try to keep my feelings suppressed. I promise I'll only let them show when I am surrounded by shadows.

Sep 3, 2015

Opportunities

I've managed to get a bronze award! Note: Bronze award is not third place. It is just a bronze award out of many other bronze awards. 

Nevertheless, it still feels good even though I have gotten bronze last 2013. I think it is quite okay because I did not write a fictional essay this time, but rather a true + slightly fictional essay with slightly too much of optimism (it was for the competition okay, or I would have written a nasty, pessimistic one hahaha). I'll let you read the essay (forgive me if it sucks and it's just too... optimistic bleh), which will be posted under all these rants. 

I am also nominated for 1000 Girls 1000 Futures program conducted by the New York Academy of Science! I think it is very interesting because I get to get a STEM mentor and well, hopefully she can help me find what field I love the best and together we can do research or anything related to STEM. I really wanted to be engaged in this kind of stuffs and I am glad I have the opportunity now. This is going to be so fun..! (Sense the excitement?) Hopefully everything goes well. 

P/S: RIP Ally. 



METAMORPHOSIS

Wee Soo May

“Hey, what’s that you’re wearing?” Peers pointing their fingers to a pendant, hanging on my chest. “I want to see!” They repeated while I cringed nervously. This is not going to be good.

“Uh…” I hesitated and tried to escape when one of them snatched my arm, jerking myself to her direction. They examined my pendant with curious eyes, “Who is this..?” The carving of Guan Yin Goddess seemed to intrigue them until one of them said, “Behold, friends! That is black magic! Don’t touch that silly pendant, you fools!”

As if there was a magnet between us, they backed with horror looks on their faces. Repeated whisperings of ‘black magic’ hit me hard, like a bullet straight through the heart.

That was primary school.

      Being the only should-I-say Taoist in the school, the rest feared me for wearing a Guan Yin Goddess pendant. Not to mention that some actually denounced me for that.

      Basically it is just a talisman, as Mom says. It is just a pendant and it wouldn’t hurt anybody else but that was opposite with what others think. Bigotry in school changed me a lot as I deepen myself in contemplating life philosophies and social studies instead. As a budding child, it sparked my curiosity whether God or gods actually exist and why we depend on them for safety, health, prosperity et cetera. My father’s family is more to Buddhism while my mother’s side is more to Taoism. Buddhism is mostly about the way of life to reach enlightenment without depending on celestial beings or God – basically Buddha is an atheist. Meanwhile, Taoism involves Chinese philosophies and rituals that are deeply rooted in customs.

      When I was eleven, practising both of these religions doesn’t seem right to me. The value of believing in God is inculcated in my life since I was small. Even the first principle in Malaysia’s Rukun Negara is belief in God. It is perplexing when the Buddhism texts that I have been reading are all about not being dependant on any spiritual bodies. I felt contradictions against myself.

      So, I read more and more until I stumbled upon this quote from Dalai Lama:

“Whether you believe in God or not does not matter so much, whether you believe in Buddha or not does not matter so much; as a Buddhist, whether you believe in reincarnation or not does not matter so much. You must lead a good life. And a good life does not mean just good food, good clothes, good shelter. These are not sufficient. A good motivation is what is needed: compassion, without dogmatism, without complicated philosophy; just understanding that others are human brothers and sisters and respecting their rights and human dignity.”

Let me get this straight:

1.      I believe in God.
2.   I believe in Buddha.
3.  I wish I do not have to believe in reincarnation – because I cannot imagine taking SPM all over again every rebirth.
4.   But in all, I agree with almost 100% of his statement.

The nice thing about Buddhism is that, you can actually debate and Buddha exclaimed that it is fine whether you choose to not follow what he had preached around 2500 years ago – but with a very reasonable rebuttal. This promotes critical thinking in his followers.

Anyways, the last part of Dalai Lama’s quote is, “…just understanding that others are human brothers and sisters and respecting their rights and human dignity.”

This, this is the most underlying law everyone should abide.

It is really hurtful to see massacres everywhere for the sake of um… Religion? Politics? Money? Such reprehensible acts that we can see in all parts of the world; the endless war between Palestines and Israelis, arguments between Buddhists and Muslims in Burma, disrespect for Muslim women who cover their aurah, animadversion against atheists, oppression towards LGBT and countless more.

Ironically, religions are supposed to bring peace, not animosity. 

I stand in my stance that there are always at least two kinds of people. People who love ketchups and people who love chilli sauce. People who enjoy Coke and people who enjoy Pepsi. People who prefer laksa and people who prefer curry noodles. I choose blue over pink, but my friend chooses pink over blue. Does that make either of us wrong or right? No. So why must we contend if we are different? There is no point debating about who is correct or who is faulty – we all have the right to choose. There is no point fighting for a reason, even a reasonable one.

Example of issue: Does God exist?

If there is a God up there or no, it doesn’t matter. No one knows for sure so why must we waste our time to ascertain something abstract? Even if I believe in God, I never will say that atheists are wrong. Who are we, the wrongdoers, to judge? The fact that as universal brothers and sisters, we all fail to find that concord between us.

I have read a cleric’s view on this destructive world that we are living in, is a karmic reaction. Karma, they said, is a principle abiding the law of cause and effect. It is said that the older generation’s actions have affected the world now. The mayhem we are facing now is all caused by the sinful, wrong actions by the older people.

Now, now. I am not being biased. Whether that statement is true or not, there is an underlying message that we need to grasp. The world must be purified, by hook or by crook. If we do not start now, the world will never refresh. We need a new generation for this and fortunately, there is a huge team we can all count on.

Youth.

The combative period of battles between emotions, as my teacher said. At one point, we might be emotional. At another point, we might be just fine. We might be small, and young. We play every evening and we crack in laughter every second. We do not frown so often like adults, nor reserve our laughs if, in any ways, is considered childish. Even so, it does not mean we are silly-minded nor that we do not belong in the mission to bring world peace.

I believe the youth of Commonwealth, the very young leaders which I am also a part of them, are capable to achieve this mission. Commonwealth countries are already made up of many kind of countries which comprises a plethora of races, cultures, languages, religions and whatnot. The acts to accept others and to tolerate others are already in our blood – they are intrinsic in Commonwealth youth!

Thus, this has made us advantageous over all the other youths out there. We are hold one in a big community; big family called the Commonwealth. History has set us up together and let’s make the best out of it.

Making a change is easy. All we have to do is one, to think of others; put us in their shoes. Two, think wisely before we act. Three, develop open-mindedness, if you find this hard, follow tip Number One. Four, compensate hate with love and love with love. 

To all brothers and sisters I have out there! The walls of racial segregation, we shall pass. The Fort Knox-language barrier, we shall invade. The sceptical line of religions, we shall cross. We shall be together, as one. And that is the key we need to hold.
.

.

.
            “Hey, it’s the girl with black magic.”

            “Stay away from her, or else she’ll set a curse on you.”

            “Yikes! Black magic – no wonder she always gets the top in the class for years!”

Glossary
Rukun Negara – Malaysian national declaration which consists five major principles in conjunction of a severe race riot back in 13 May 1969.
SPM – Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia which is the Malaysian Education Certificate; a major exam all Form 5 students need to sit before finishing their high school education.
Laksa – a Malaysian dish originated from Baba and Nyonya culture. It is made up of noodles with hot sour and spicy soup of fish meat and laksa leaves, garnished with fresh cut of vegetables.

Aug 31, 2015

Physics

Messy, really messy. I wish I could have told you but the reason is you, unfortunately.

Doubts come inevitably.

P/S: Electronics Form 5 couldn't have been more confusing! *fumes*

Aug 24, 2015

Four Noble Truths

After long,
it came hopingly,
like a bud,
praying it will survive
through cold, foggy
crisp
winter.

Spring
yet to be seen
though it will
It will not - why?
For the bud
has seem to lose interest
to grow.

Desires deprived
the bud loses its essence
howled butterflies.


Aug 18, 2015

First Time

He started everything first. 

He continued, "If I think any girl has a crush on me, I'll try to avoid myself from them. And if I like any girls first, I'll do the same too."

He paused, looking down on his plate. I thought it was a fullstop. 

Instead he carried on, with a sense of determination in his voice, "If I really like that girl (she is the one), then I'll do any ways to get her."

I dared not to laugh as I usually do. I just swallowed his words with a thought in my head: Whoa, posessive. 

Aug 14, 2015

Endings

Things are done. Finished. Nothing is left anymore to continue. The final end. What do you feel? How do you react?

Sad. Heartbroken. Emptiness itched in your heart. The feeling of holding on to the memories you cherish. 

But have you cherished them when they aren't called 'memories' yet?

And that is, the beauty of endings. 

The present joy, laughs and companionship are what building the bond. Blocks of feelings building a solid empathy and care towards each other. When trust remains the underlying factor and discrepancies are respected. The moments you know strengths and weaknesses but choose to stick together. That is persistence, responsibility and fidelity to bond.

After that comes the final point. Where doubts are around, intoxicating each other, questioning the firmness of an existing bond. Then you started missing. Nostalgia. Or the over-attachment to either the people or the now called memories you are fond of. Negative withdrawal starts when you are too skeptical or too attached. Emotions billow. Whether they will sink or not; however they will, with the guide of time. Perhaps this is called intense care; love? 

It might seem sad now, but the saddest point is when you forget the memories you made. And that... is the greatest loss of a bond. 

It is over now, and it is solely up to us to retain the bond. Whether you want it or not, it is mainly up to you. 


Thank you, big sister. For making me realise this. 

Jul 26, 2015

Muslim Rohingya - Buddhist Burmese

During Spiritual Circle (a special session where we have religious/moral discussion every week) last Friday, Miss Ing showed us a documentary entitled Rohingya Still Unwanted. Check out the video here: Click

Not until the middle of the documentary was I angry. I can't believe how the Buddhist monks behaved as they showed the wrong concept of Buddha's teachings. I was very appalled by their speech and action that I flung my hands saying "What the hell?! How can you call yourself a Buddhist, moreover a monk?!" I rarely say 'What the hell' except for that day. Kinda emotional but it's true. I was basically shaking my head vigorously, that tears might shed from my eyes from the dismay my fellow Buddhist brothers and sisters have given.

So after watching the documentary, our teacher asked us to write a reflection about that. So this is what I have come with.


People say there are always one false story and one truth. Some say, “No, there are two false stories and one truth.” Example, if two people are arguing, one can be true, one can be false, or both can be false with hidden truth not being told.

This applies to the conflict between Rohingya community and the Myanmar government. The Rohingyas claim that they are pre-colonial residents of Myanmar’s Rakhine state while the Myanmar authorities claim the Rohingyas are Bengali and that their presence in Myanmar is the result of illegal immigration. The locals do not like the increasing number of Rohingya ‘immigrants’, and so the conflict begins. Rohingyas are being shunned and not given citizenships. They are not given land to live and there are no healthcare facilities for them. Many of Rohingya women died after childbirth due to the lack of treatment available. The children are not given education and the community lives in poverty and suffering.

However, the animosity sparked between the two communities is not only in terms of racial issues; it is also between a Muslim minority group and a majority Buddhist group. The Rohingyas are Sunni Muslims while the rest of Burmese are basically Buddhists. Even though Buddha’s teachings are basically to treat others with respect and maintain peace, many of the Myanmar Buddhists seem to not follow so, including the monks. The conflict severed due to the ironically religious factor. Religions dwindling in politics is never good.

Due to the violence they face, many Rohingyas flee the country to nearby South-eastern Asia countries mainly Malaysia, Thailand and Indonesia. Sadly, they are not wanted by any of these countries. The main reason why Rohingyas are rejected from these countries is that the countries have no fund to support incoming Rohingyas. Even if they are allowed to be in the country, they face difficulties in terms of legal status, job opportunities and rights for education and healthcare.

Nobody wants them. They are trapped in between; feeling unwanted and devastated. Their minds wonder whether to keep living or to die is a better solution. Even if they strive to live, their condition does not permit that. Many of them die not only from hunger and lack of healthcare but also due to the attacks by extremist Buddhists.

They are not safe anywhere and they do not belong anywhere.

However, the saddest thing is to see that the Buddhist Burmese monks are the ones who invoke violence. It is sad to see the animosity that is showed by the monks. It is sad to see them breaking the ultimate Buddha’s teachings; love to all living things.

I am a Buddhist myself and it hurts to see pictures of Burmese monks promoting violence, to watch videos exclaiming it is right to kill the Muslim Rohingyas and to see them stomping on the roads while lifting banners on shunning Rohingyas. The orange robes that they wear seem to be a merely forgotten principle they adhere to when they newly become monks. Their bald heads seem as if they mark the absence of loving kindness, instead of self-renunciation. The whole ‘holy’ look they have, seems to indicate the opposite and contradict every single Buddha’s teachings.

Monks are supposed to portray peace. Burmese monks in this context, are supposed to be the peacemakers between the Rohingyas and the other Burmese. Even if Rohingyas are really immigrants, there is certainly no need to harm, hurt or kill them, isn’t it? Even if the Rohingyas did burn temples and raped a Buddhist woman before, a revenge is never of Buddha’s teachings. "Hatred does not cease by hatred at any time: hatred ceases by love, this is an eternal rule." – Dhammapada

My heart aches to see them fail to be just and instead fall into the inability to think correctly. Many world crises we see now involve religious groups. We do not need to name them but we all know. Ironically, religions are here to promote peace but how much harm have they caused? Plenty. Are we to blame the religions? No. Then, what else? The ‘believers’. It all happens because sometimes we are too defensive of our own principles that we are very sensitive to others’. We become very sceptical to other views and bash them. Why? Because we think we are always right. Our disability and unwillingness to accept are dangerous. They harm and kill people, on the basis of a good purpose. Thus the question, “Adakah niat menghalalkan cara?”

True, I might not know the depth of this case. I might not know fully the complexity of this conflict. And I certainly do not know who is speaking the truth. I also do not know the exact solution to this Rohingya problem. I am not a rich person, I am not a world politician, I am not the General Secretary of United Nations, I am not the Prime Minister of Myanmar, I am not one of the Burmese monks, and I am not one of the Rohingyas. I do not have the power to change things as powerful and as quick as they can do, if they want. My voice is only a small one, who wishes to see all this ends.

I might not know the truth. However, I know what is wrong. I know killing and bullying are wrong.

I do not know where the solution starts but I know if they are willing to fight for their religions, then they should be willing to change for their religions. And I do know if the monks realise where they should stand and what they should do, some changes are bound to occur for good.

I apologise. I apologise to the Rohingyas and to the world, for my Buddhist brothers and sisters have done mistakes. Mistakes that are too grave to be forgiven, even if possible. I beg for you to please bear in your mind that this is not the Buddha’s teachings. Please bear in your mind that I am not ignoring the mistakes that have been done. Please bear in your mind that I am too, ashamed.

We focused too much to get into Heaven that sometimes the stairs we built tramples the ‘sinners’.


I wish things change. By then, I'll stay strong to what I believe. "Namo Amitabha"

Jul 23, 2015

Language Appreciation

Such a lame title.

Anyways, I was always an 'ang moh kia', which if literally translated from Hokkien to English is 'Westerner's child'. Because I used  to only know how to speak in English, Malay and in terrible Hokkien. But my English is slightly better because my mom is an English teacher and she used to insist that the whole house must speak English. We sometimes have 'English Day' while my father would advocate his 'Hokkien Day'. But they are both English-educated, and they do not really speak Mandarin. I have no knowledge in Mandarin at all and I never bothered to learn Mandarin. I was like, "Mandarin? Why do I even have to learn Mandarin? English is 'cooler' and more widely used anyways."

The effort that my father spent to send me to Mandarin classes ended up in despair. I always slept in the class, while my sister alone studied with our private Mandarin tutor. They did wake me up but I soon fell asleep again. It soon became, "Nah, she's still small. Let her sleep." And with a sense of childish irresponsibility, I slept and pretended I attended class when I did not even do my homework or listen what the tutor said. We changed many different teachers but I was still the same; stubborn, lazy, and very 'ang moh kia'-minded.  

It never really bothered me anyways because I do not have Chinese friends to speak Mandarin to, so it did not seem to be a trouble to not be able to speak Mandarin. Until I entered summer camp and I met many Chinese friends who some of them refused to befriend me just because I am a 'banana'. Yeap, that's what they call Chinese who cannot speak Mandarin. I was sad at first because I was ostracised by the Chinese group but then I thought, "Why should I be sad about that if I have to change myself to fit in?" 

So with that I walked away and befriended friends mostly of other races. Even though some Chinese shot me the is-she-a-Chinese-or-not look, I pretended I was unaffected by that at all. 

Until 2012, when I was fourteen years old (I only formally learn Mandarin 3 years ago, my God) and my father decided I should pick up Mandarin now. There was a new Mandarin teacher in the neighbourhood and my father asked him to be my private tutor. I was against it so much at first, considering that it was going to be a one-to-one tutorship which would take my free hours of weekend and that the tutor is a guy. Our first class was awkward, especially when I even wrote my name wrongly! Then day by day, month by month, the class was more bearable and I was able to see the fruit when I went to the same summer camp again and was able to use Mandarin in communication. 

Now I am in a different school, with many Chinese around; my roommate is also a Chinese, I learnt Mandarin a lot. And I could not explain in words how grateful I am. 

I have been quite stupid to ignore my own mother tongue. Now I regretted why I did not study it earlier. 

Why I am inspired to write this? The story goes like this.. 

I am a fan of Japanese anime movies. Note: MOVIES. I do not like to watch anime series and I do not like the typical anime characters which big eyes and other exaggeratedly-sized body parts (you know what I mean). So, the only Japanese anime movies I watch is the normal type of anime with normal-sized eyes, not that handsome or pretty, but just some real Japanese faces. I watch Studio Ghibli movies and some of Makoto Shinkai movies. The first Studio Ghibli movie I watched is Spirited Away and I was so inspired by it. Then Howl's Moving Castle, The Wind Rises, Whisper of the Heart, Only Yesterday and From Up on Poppy Hill. Non-Studio Ghibli movies I watched are 5cm per second (I do not really like the anime because of the characters' big eyes, but the storyline is worth it), Into the Forest of Fireflies and The Garden of Words. 

These movies that I listed are worth the watch. They have real, logical themes that we will face in our lives. I do not know how to put it in words, but they are really wonderful. Anyone of you should really check them out. But how are they related to this post? 

Well, when I watched these movies, they are English-subbed and therefore I listened to the Japanese dialogues. I am a person who appreciates the beauty of language and to hear them saying the Japanese words with such subtle emotions, touched my heart, "Their language is so wonderful." And we know that generally Japanese people are very proud of their language that some of them might lack in other languages. But still, do you see the appreciation they have for their language? How they place their language, their mother tongue first out of all other languages? And how Japan is modern, even with little or moderate emphasis on English? Japanese language is really beautiful.

And so does my own mother tongue, Mandarin. 

As I watched some Mandarin dramas, movies or vlogs, I realised how desperate I am to understand them, without the need of subtitles. Alas, I can read a little and write a little. My listening and speaking skills are better, thanks to my friends. I owe my Mandarin ability to my tutor, especially and my wonderful friends. 

I really love my own mother tongue and every time I speak in Mandarin, my mind constantly whispers, "May, you can speak in Mandarin now!" 

I like how my tongue twists as I change from English or Malay or Kelantanese dialect or Korean to Mandarin. I like how simple the syllables used in Mandarin sound. I like how I translate every thing from English to Hokkien then only to Mandarin whenever I speak Mandarin. I like how my friends correct me when my intonation goes haywire. I like how I understand Mandarin conversations much easier now. I like how I am not that afraid to approach someone with Mandarin. I like how my heart does a tiny 'hoorah' jump whenever I use new words for the first time in a conversation. 

I just enjoy learning my language so much. I am currently learning Korean as well but too bad I have completely forgotten Thai language and my Arabic is pretty rusty. 

But God, must I say, that languages are beautiful masterpieces that connect everyone in a blanket that we never see, but we feel the warmth and a sense of proximity in a community of universally diverse people we are. 

Appreciate your language, and witness the beauty in the languages you speak and hear. Then in some ways, you'll find a better person unleashed from you. 

Jul 22, 2015

The Garden of Words

なるかみの, すこしとよみて,
さしくもり,
あめもふらぬか,
きみをとどめむ
(Naru ka mi no, sukoshi toyomite, sashi kumori, ame mo furanu ka, kimi o todome mu)
[A faint clap of thunder,
Clouded skies,
Perhaps rain will come.
If so, will you stay here with me?]

なるかみの,すこしとよみて,
ふらずとも,
わはとどまらむ,
いもしとどめば
(Naru ka mi no, sukoshi toyomite, furazutomo, wa wa todomara mu, i moshi todome ba)
[A faint clap of thunder,
Even if rain comes or not,
I will stay here,
Together with you.]

A tanka (a type of Japanese poetry) taken from The Garden of Words - Man'yōshū Japanese poetry collection

Jun 12, 2015

Worries

Hello, everyone. May in the house again. I feel like writing or literally typing because I feel like it will help me cope my growing stress. So today I had a reunion with four of my best friends. We enjoyed the day very much. We took selfies and damn lot of photos. We talked a lot too. And it happened that we talked about studies. Studies = SPM.

SPM.

Yes, the horrific SPM. Malaysia’s ‘most important’ major exam ever.

And I am taking it this year. Oh, superb.

When we happened to talk about it, it seemed that my friends have really started to prepare for SPM in their respective schools. And I felt so… insecure. And a little left out. Damn, their schools have progressed so fast that they are ahead at least two chapters in front of my school. Yeah, yeah and people say I am in the ‘smartest school in Malaysia’. Well I am, I guess.

But being in a gifted school totally rules out the SPM prep.

We are hardly in a specified SPM preparation. No uh. Nope, never gonna happen.

Not that I am grunting but I am as heck worried. SPM is already drilled into every Malaysian’s mind that it is the life-turning exam, and if you don’t do well. You are as well doomed.

Yeap, I am serious.

My school… we, we don’t emphasise much on learning for the sake of SPM, thus the not-really-strict preparation on SPM. We rarely have time for classes; there are programmes every week. Very exhausting. It is not really that we are learning at a slow speed, it’s just that we do not have much time in classes and we sometimes learn more than just SPM. Which yes, takes time.

But right now, being in the last semester, I really think I should be very worried about SPM.

SPM is the key to scholarships. SPM is the ticket to be in top universities. SPM is the door to guaranteed job. SPM is the essence to somehow, one’s happiness. SPM is ironically, everything.

I wish I never have to take SPM but that’s impossible. I can never graduate from high school if I don’t do so. And I don’t want to be stuck in high school forever of course.

As much as I am worried, I realise my hard work does not equal my worry. I worry so much but what do I do? Lying down, watching TV, playing piano endlessly, learning Mandarin, brainstorming a new story plot, worrying if my hair is too short etc etc. and I am damn worried about SPM! I think you might think I can just kill myself.

I hope SPM is not a big deal, but it is. I can’t forever fake the fact that I need to sit for it this very year.

Not forgetting I have to take SAT, which I have to ace it. I still have a research conference to compete. i have many, many more chapters of all subjects to finish. And right now I have tonnes of homework that I didn’t touch at all! Who should I put the blame on?

ME.

Yes, me. It is undeniably correct.

However I just can’t seem to evoke the ‘SPM-feels’ in myself. Like seriously.

That’s the sentence of a lazy person.

I admit, I am a sloth.

But I am very afraid my slothfulness may cause me a mistake I will forever regret.

I need to get a scholarship. I need to enter a good university. I need to get a degree. I need to have a job. I need to support my family.

And that can be achieved by acing SPM.

And why do I write this post? Because I want to instil every single words I write, every single grunt I rant, every single worry I sigh, into myself and I want them to remind me every single, freaking moment that I must not procrastinate anymore.

I am responsible for all my actions, I am the master of my life. I have nobody to blame for and nobody is going to do my responsibilities except myself.

And this post, is going to burn every spirit I have, to push myself to the very last day of SPM. (I hope)

BUT I MUST.

I live in a world where A is important when E is the most used alphabet.

Too bad, but I must not regret.

The choice is yours, Wee Soo May.

Ace it or fail it.

南无阿弥陀佛。


加油,黄苏美!你一定行的!你一定要相信自己的能力!做你的最好就行了,不要压力自己,好吗?绝不能放弃。你要内心过生活,记得你有家人,有朋友,有老师,永远在你后面,一直鼓励你。不要让他们失望。你一定要把你的梦想实现!你一定可以做得到!我(你)会一直支持你。黄苏美,你可以!