Jun 12, 2015

Worries

Hello, everyone. May in the house again. I feel like writing or literally typing because I feel like it will help me cope my growing stress. So today I had a reunion with four of my best friends. We enjoyed the day very much. We took selfies and damn lot of photos. We talked a lot too. And it happened that we talked about studies. Studies = SPM.

SPM.

Yes, the horrific SPM. Malaysia’s ‘most important’ major exam ever.

And I am taking it this year. Oh, superb.

When we happened to talk about it, it seemed that my friends have really started to prepare for SPM in their respective schools. And I felt so… insecure. And a little left out. Damn, their schools have progressed so fast that they are ahead at least two chapters in front of my school. Yeah, yeah and people say I am in the ‘smartest school in Malaysia’. Well I am, I guess.

But being in a gifted school totally rules out the SPM prep.

We are hardly in a specified SPM preparation. No uh. Nope, never gonna happen.

Not that I am grunting but I am as heck worried. SPM is already drilled into every Malaysian’s mind that it is the life-turning exam, and if you don’t do well. You are as well doomed.

Yeap, I am serious.

My school… we, we don’t emphasise much on learning for the sake of SPM, thus the not-really-strict preparation on SPM. We rarely have time for classes; there are programmes every week. Very exhausting. It is not really that we are learning at a slow speed, it’s just that we do not have much time in classes and we sometimes learn more than just SPM. Which yes, takes time.

But right now, being in the last semester, I really think I should be very worried about SPM.

SPM is the key to scholarships. SPM is the ticket to be in top universities. SPM is the door to guaranteed job. SPM is the essence to somehow, one’s happiness. SPM is ironically, everything.

I wish I never have to take SPM but that’s impossible. I can never graduate from high school if I don’t do so. And I don’t want to be stuck in high school forever of course.

As much as I am worried, I realise my hard work does not equal my worry. I worry so much but what do I do? Lying down, watching TV, playing piano endlessly, learning Mandarin, brainstorming a new story plot, worrying if my hair is too short etc etc. and I am damn worried about SPM! I think you might think I can just kill myself.

I hope SPM is not a big deal, but it is. I can’t forever fake the fact that I need to sit for it this very year.

Not forgetting I have to take SAT, which I have to ace it. I still have a research conference to compete. i have many, many more chapters of all subjects to finish. And right now I have tonnes of homework that I didn’t touch at all! Who should I put the blame on?

ME.

Yes, me. It is undeniably correct.

However I just can’t seem to evoke the ‘SPM-feels’ in myself. Like seriously.

That’s the sentence of a lazy person.

I admit, I am a sloth.

But I am very afraid my slothfulness may cause me a mistake I will forever regret.

I need to get a scholarship. I need to enter a good university. I need to get a degree. I need to have a job. I need to support my family.

And that can be achieved by acing SPM.

And why do I write this post? Because I want to instil every single words I write, every single grunt I rant, every single worry I sigh, into myself and I want them to remind me every single, freaking moment that I must not procrastinate anymore.

I am responsible for all my actions, I am the master of my life. I have nobody to blame for and nobody is going to do my responsibilities except myself.

And this post, is going to burn every spirit I have, to push myself to the very last day of SPM. (I hope)

BUT I MUST.

I live in a world where A is important when E is the most used alphabet.

Too bad, but I must not regret.

The choice is yours, Wee Soo May.

Ace it or fail it.

南无阿弥陀佛。


加油,黄苏美!你一定行的!你一定要相信自己的能力!做你的最好就行了,不要压力自己,好吗?绝不能放弃。你要内心过生活,记得你有家人,有朋友,有老师,永远在你后面,一直鼓励你。不要让他们失望。你一定要把你的梦想实现!你一定可以做得到!我(你)会一直支持你。黄苏美,你可以!