I feel terrible. I can feel my heart weighs heavier than ever. When all I want is to let people know what I feel and what I think, but people do not accept it as well as I do.
I am proud for keeping a deadpan face all this while - or even a happy-go-lucky face. People describe me as a person who seems to be so carefree, has no problems at all or does not care what others say. It is not wrong at all. I am indeed like that, except that it is just a mask I hold all this while in this ever-lasting masquerade.
That is why I never wanted attention, even if I wanted it. I showed a little bit of the bare me but, I was looked with disgust. How can I even reach others if the ones that I reached to now cringe away from me? I know I am wrong, if not, why would they all go away? But if I say, it is who I am - will you accept?
Therefore the inner me eventually gives up. There is no point waiting for people to enter because I have built my own wall. Because no one understands fully as much as one does.
I'm not blaming anyone. I am blaming myself for being complicated. I shut people out. As how much I wanted people to enter, I am content to be in my own bubble.
I am messed up - a lot, this time.
Sorry to confide in you when you are not prepared. I have made a mistake.
I will try to keep my feelings suppressed. I promise I'll only let them show when I am surrounded by shadows.