Dec 9, 2015

The Scolds, Snaps and Snarls

Perhaps one of the dreams everyone has is to make his or her family happy. Just simply happy is enough.

I used to think that obtaining perfect grades can do that. And it is also something I can do. But when I no longer saw the excitement in anyone's face as I flaunted my 'perfect' scores, I do not think so anymore. 

So I groom myself into a nice girl. With manners. With shut mouth. Because I am too blunt for my own sake. But I slowly turn to be someone rotting, quiet and insensitive. I honestly do not like this transition. 

Coming out recently from a boarding school, being home is like a new life. Well, not really a completely new life but something unusual to adapt. In school, I wasn't scolded because we were scolded only for our demerits (obviously, I am a disciplined girl *pukes*). But at home, I have to take care of manners, dinner etiquette and all the little things that I had forgotten as I entered boarding school. The little, essential life things. And skills to be a decent girl for the sake of getting married in the future (but now no more, I told my grandmother that I am not doing it for the sake of a guy). 

I do not think I was that bad but it seems to be I am. It is causing me headaches... This part of many soft skills that I apparently lack of. The intrinsic values such as respecting elders, helping family members, I am quite sure I have. But not the detailed ... (I don't even know the suitable word to put) um, ones. 

And as always, since I was small until now, I am forever scolded for talking back. There is just a part of me who wants to rebel the slanders. It is essential - you got to defend what is right and what your reasons are. But yeah nope. And I have no idea how Permata's teachers face Permata's students because we like to talk back so much. Or perhaps just my class, I don't know. But what I know is, it is encouraged because the teachers know we would not talk back nonsense. And that shows our critical thinking! Tadaa~ (so many excuses, one of my usually unappreciated fortes)

One more problem I have and I only blame myself for it: I lack common sense so much. And I am always scolded for it! But I am seriously blaming myself for it. Ugh, I have no idea how to make myself smarter. Back in school I am appreciated for my brains but at home, ideas do not matter (based on personal experience, yes). You have to be street smart to survive home. You're not adept enough, then no uh, you do not qualify to be a part of the Wee (Papa's side of family is less strict) or Soo (especially) families. And all this while, I have always survived with a Soo-established grade of a JB or 'Just Barely'. Just joking, but yeah haha. 

As how confined stuffs can go sometimes, I would sometimes sit in the living room, half mad after scolding and half sad, and just laugh at all of this. Well, I understand the intentions of my family members very well, though sometimes I'll be like, "What?". But that's my responsibility as a part of the family, I guess.

But one thing I really hope for, is that I will not get scolding anymore. *rereads sentence* Okay, let's just say I hope I will not get scolding anymore so much. "Why, you don't get so much scolding back in school that you need some here, is it?" Ouch. I just find scolding so demotivating but I do not tell any family members that, because they should know but if not, then... it's okay. I am always okay, well.

And I should know, that scolding perhaps helps others to release their stress. So, I just have to accept it, at least it will make others less stressed (I aspire to alleviate people's sufferings) even though I will be affected but again, I'm okay.

And people might say, "Then be a better person! Improve yourself, then you won't get so much scolding anymore. It is your fault that you get scolding." 

And I scream so loud in my own world so that nobody should hear, "I KNOW, IT IS MY FAULT. BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW, I AM TRYING VERY FREAKING HARD TO FREAKING IMPROVE." Then a small kid, hiding behind my mind with her knees drawn to her chest, softly whispers, "Please don't scold me. Please don't snarl at me." 

I am trying. There are a whole lot of time (sometimes I think it's inappropriate to even think time is abundant) to improve myself. Back in school, I used to be stressed due to studies, but now I am stressed because I want to make my family happy. "This is freaking insane~" that sometimes I just want to pull my hair like a maniac but it'll cause me a headache.

I will work harder until I burst.

I love my family, that is why I want to make them happy. I really just want to make them happy, that's it and I will be happy. I don't want them to be annoyed of me, like please. Because if they do, then I'll... feel immensely disappointed of myself. 

Kito sobar jo lah ye, May.

P/S: For humour and self-reflective purpose. 

Moment

I am desperately waiting for the moment. It's killing me, the uncertainty. It's bothering me. I just want to know and only then I can tell what the heck is wrong with me. Why I am acting weird. Why I seem to be cold. Sometimes I can't hold it anymore but I can't tell unless the moment comes.

I keep punching the air or my pillow. I hate to be in this state. I never thought I will be for a long time. I just want to get over it and tell.

There is too much sunshine around that I need a storm to tell. A storm to disguise my intentions. A storm to make the world seem dark, at least when the moment comes.