Dec 28, 2016

2016 Wrap-Up!

2016 has almost come to an end. This is probably the last post for this year.

To be frank, I find 2015 a much better year than 2016. There are just so many uncertainties that have been building up this year but I positively believe it was for the good. I am just going to list stuffs before I end up spending so much time on this rather than my university application. Next point does not necessarily relate to the point before it.

Even though 2016 is not a generally happy year for me, I have to admit that there is a lot of surprises.

I feel suffocated most of the time. The ultimate reason for this is because I miss my old school life, especially its education system.

My moral meter is highly challenged throughout the year. I have seen too many betrayals and misconducts till the point I cried a lot. Not because I was hurt, but because others were hurt. 

I have also become slightly more vocal in telling people the truth. There are several occasions (even the point before this) where problems would not be solved or peace would not occur if I had not voiced out. For these reasons, I am glad to express what I truly feel.

I have been self-reflecting a lot, no kidding.   

I have never been challenged in class till A Levels Chemistry (memorising random catalysts and conditions for organic chemistry reactions is just…). I have never argued against the absurdity of strict marking schemes so fervently till A Levels. I have never been so dissatisfied in school till A Levels. I have never been told to “just memorise, don’t ask so many questions” till A Levels.

My touch disorder has, if not gotten worse, not improved. I would not really say it’s a disorder but maybe one of my idiosyncrasies. Aside from discovering more annoying clothes tags (some of which I used to be able to resist), I COULD NOT PLAY GAMES LIKE WHAT THE HECK SERIOUSLY. Even though I had a lot of practices and I am learning very, very hard to not show my discomfort to public, it seemed as if the 30-second-per-day training (initiated by my apartmentmates) and the touchy-touchy circle of friends I have do not help. I felt so bad after pulling out from the game (players have to hold hands) but my whole body just could not resist the ultimate discomfort. But I think my friends understood when I explained and it is important for them to know because I don’t want anyone to think I don’t like them.

Internet has become my best friend for studying. Twitter has become my best entertainment. Biographical movies, Sophie’s World, a compilation of Sherlock Holmes stories and guitar have been my best stress relievers. Questions, instead of answers, have been my muses. Sleep has been my best reward. UKM has become my dream vacation. US university application has been my getaway to a liberal education and ultimately, the best platform to discover who I am.

I always think I could avoid things from happening again, but nope.

I have not faced so many failures until this year.

I have not received such big achievements until this year too.

Aside from two-faced people, I have also known a lot of very kind people this year.

And those kind people are one of the few reasons why I last till today. And also, thank you to those old friends that have approached and given me a whole bunch of motivation.

I realised that I have basically turned bitter and self-blaming but I tried my best to not affect anyone with that. I am very sorry if I did.

My primary goals for 2017, aside from praying everyone to live well, are beat A Levels, get that goddamn excellent results by working my freaking ass off like how I did for my university applications, enjoy the company of my friends and family, live in the present but also remain in the depth of thoughts and never treat anyone and anything for granted. Any good resolutions will be added as time passes.

I will never change for the worse, but will ever change for the better.


Thank you for teaching me, 2016. 

Nov 6, 2016

What's your function in society?

A very stressful week for the month has ended! Now, I'll just pray that everything goes well. Permata has increased my stress meter but being a KY-YK now, it just got so much higher. I hope this will help when I get into university later, like how Permata has helped me go through this period now.

I can now play guitar, nap, watch YouTube videos, read Sophie's World and blog without feeling guilty that I should be doing something else more useful and urgent. That 'YASSSS' feeling. But of course, I'll need to write university essays along the way. Sooooo prepared for this!

What else do I want to write.... oh yes, one thing

I have been and always am thinking about my function in society: serve people? To what extent? Who deserves my utmost service? Or no, I should not divide my attention based on the degree of our proximity? But in real life, I do divide people around me - strangers, acquaintance, best friends and the way I approach these groups of people is distinct from each group to another group. I mean, not as in I wouldn't help strangers, no. Not in that context. But rather, what kind of language do I use, or my personality like I choose to be an introvert or an extrovert depending on the situation, or how open am I. 

Okay now I feel like I'm diverting from my main question...

I feel like my function in this society is mainly to be a supporter, rather than a reason. 

...? 

Okay, here's an easy example: relationship. I am not and don't want to be a reason for someone to fight for; basically I would feel really uncomfortable if someone is committed to me. But, I do not mind being committed to people like I would go support them all the way, give all my motivation for them to grow into better people (develop together), lend a hand when they are in need, offer myself when they need a shoulder to cry on et cetera.

It's like I'm not going extra mile because I like you and helping you makes me happy but because as a supporter, I am obliged and glad to do so! But if you feel obliged to do something for me for a return, then that is against my 'function'.  

And especially when I am under a scholarship, which means my education is supported by the people's money, I feel more responsible. 


"This scholarship is given to your community by the million of taxpayers through you" - Mr KB

Only when I give myself to my family and society, then my purpose of life is served.

Not that I am trying to be a saint altruist, but I really hope to be able to fulfill interests that benefit the whole society. I am able to focus to what I can contribute because I am aromantic ("An aromantic is a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others. Where romantic people have an emotional need to be with another person in a romantic relationship, aromantics are often satisfied with friendships and other non-romantic relationships." bla bla bla, but you get the point). I am not sure if I really am, but it has been for a very long time and currently as well, I am aromantic. 

So I can share my support and love to everyoneeeee. If I don't do this, I don't know what to do with the spirit that I have anymore. But I do know, I can be such an awkward motivator but I'm trying to learn to be a good one! Folks who know me should know I'm the type who,

"GO GUYS, YOU CAN DO IT YEAH I BELIEVE IN YOU!"

And yes SPM 2016 takers, that's my wish to you. GOOD LUCK! 

Side note: Now I realised I actually have homework and tests waiting for me *cries*

Oct 5, 2016

Err... random?

Today (technically, yesterday), I went to University Relations Office to hand in UCAS correction form. As I was taking things out from my bag, suddenly Pn Kas called me, "Soo May, I need to talk to you." I turned around to actually make sure if she was the one who called me, which yes, it was her. I was pretty surprised because:

1. Pn Kas actually remembered my name! *screams excitedly lol* Last week, she even asked me how my Oxford mock interview was and I think because I looked so stunned and speechless because she remembered that I was in the list that she had to say, "You did go for the interview, right?" I guess because Pn Kas is the university counselor and she has to deal with so many senior names for so many years of applications but probably it's just me who got so excited lmao

2. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? When a counselor (even though Pn Kas is a university counselor) wants to see you, it's like when a police officer is finding you. Look how I felt guilty, probably because I'm so nonchalant in school lol

I sat in her office and she called the secretariat to bring my printed UCAS form in. "Okay... so it is about UCAS," I bit my lip as she flipped my application form. I thought she was about to attack me with corrections to make but instead she showed her finger to a name which I know so well: Kolej PERMATApintar Negara.

"Can you tell me about this?"

"Sureeeeeee!" and that sense of relief + excitement flooded me.

Conclusion: I am pretty dramatic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So yeah, today yesterday felt so good because I was able to talk about Permata again and this time, someone asked me to! I really, really appreciate people who are willing to know about it and especially when they understand and share the warm feelings I have regarding Permata even though they just heard it for the first time. So far in KYUEM, there are some who are like that and I am so, so grateful because I don't have to constantly live in faux expectations.

There are so many #throwback Permata photos showing up on my Instagram feed lately. I miss you guys :')

Sep 25, 2016

Space

TIRED TIRED TIRED

SLEEPY SLEEPY SLEEPY

EXAMS EXAMS EXAMS

By the time I finish typing this, it's probably gonna be Sunday so I'll just say that my semester exams start tomorrow! I am supposed to finish my chemistry syllabus but at this moment (probably due to lack of sleep), nothing can enter my head anymore. I wanted to sleep but I've been thinking of ridiculous stuffs all the time that I can't get them out of my head and now I am a freaking zombie.

I wanted to express all on Twitter but I don't want to fill my friends' timeline with my self-pathetic tweets so hence, blog! Because it is my space; I can write whatever I want without having to think how many people are gonna be annoyed by how much I appear on their timeline. No one is reading this, so I feel so much better. I rule this little place of mine here and hence, SPACE. A LOT OF SPACE TO FILL IN AND WRITE.

I am pretty much frustrated of myself. I am frustrated that I am thinking of stupid, unnecessary stuffs, I am frustrated I begin studying last minute and I am frustrated that I don't have space. I feel like I am suffocating - no place to express myself, no freedom, no time, no nothing. AND I FEEL LIKE USING CAPITAL LETTERS AND EXCLAMATION MARKS ALL THE TIME BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW CAPITAL LETTERS TAKE SPACE AND THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO: TAKING UP SPACE BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SUFFOCATING

I CANNOT TALK TO ANYONE BECAUSE WORDS DON'T COME OUT EASILY. And the stuff I want to let out is so personal that no one should know and hence I am bottling everything up. Now, the bottle is reaching its brink. I need to let go:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Okay I am done, thank you for the space. I should probably do some chemistry questions. 

Aug 29, 2016

Possibility

Remember just one thing, May.

Things you thought were impossible proved to be possible. 

Jul 23, 2016

Sem 2

It's starting to rain. It's always raining these days, perhaps it's the raining season now.

So, yeah! New semester, new faces (welcome, 19.0 juniors of the same age ahah), new spirit, new objectives, same old friends and same room but with new furniture. This semester is going to be so, so hectic.

UNI APPLICATIONS. BOTH UK AND US UNIS. WOOHOOO

I'm pretty excited even though I can feel the pressure of applying already. Need to keep improving my SAT, start studying for SAT Subject Tests, writing drafts of personal statements (Common App and UC) and tonnes of supplementary essays for each uni, oh my God... But then, it's the sacrifice that I made to achieve my dream, so it's okay! Go May, go. *positive vibes all the way*

So that's the pressure for US unis. UK unis? You feel the expectation when your Maths teacher called you from afar, asking:

"May, applying for Cambridge?" Certainly wasn't a question I expected when we met at the hallway. Especially when I have class with her an hour later...

And I hesitantly responded, "Uh... probably Oxford, teacher. Hehehe" and showing a 'teethy' grin.

"You sure?" she asked again. I don't know what's wrong with choosing Oxford over Cambridge. Well, most probably because most people are going to apply Cambridge because I don't know, Cambridge is better? Personally, to even have the opportunity to apply either Oxbridge is already an honour and I usually go to the less unfavourable option (stay away from crowd, you see).

"Yahhhh," I pulled the 'yah' quite long, "because I don't have other unis to apply since I have YK university list to follow."

"Oh, so you and Miza (my friend) are going to apply Oxbridge right? Bagusnya, dengar cakap YK. Good good."

Well, haha of course! YK is our scholarship provider. I don't even have to choose my 5 universities because there is only 5 (well, 6 if you count both Oxbridge but one can only apply either one of them) UK universities in the list. So I have less things to think about, actually.

It's just the FEAR of NOT GETTING IN.

They are soooooo competitive universities, and I am competing with the whole world, my goodness. I can imagine failing Oxford entrance exam but it's okay, I will not be sad.

I don't really know what to write in my UCAS personal statement. No, I think it's more to there's too many things to write. Funniest thing is, I'm applying for Physics (for Oxford and Edinburgh, I'm applying Physics and Philosophy) in the UK because there's no Biophysics in the UK.

I'm killing myself. *smiles meekly*

You know how in Alice in The Wonderland, she has a list of impossible things but turns out they are all possible. Well, I have too. I know I want to do something physics-ish but never thought of applying pure physics, ever because... it's just too pure. Two, I never thought I have the chance to apply to Oxbridge. It was a dream others always talk about but I never thought of it because, well it's freaking Oxbridge??? I never thought I would get YK scholarship as well. Everything feels so surreal...

But anyway, that's going to be Sem 2! Phew 

May 25, 2016

Permata - UKM

The fact that I am listening to Varsiti Kita (UKM's anthem) at this hour is oddly creepy. The last part of the song is my favourite part; it gives me chills every time.

To be associated with the university since I was 12 years old (which is quite a while now), marks a deep meaning in my heart. Even though I am not technically a UKM student, but Permata is still under UKM and well, we are supposedly under UKM, so yeah. I'm carrying the UKM pride.

It might not be my undergraduate university. It might, however, be where I will end up working, but only God knows. But it will forever be where my high school is, the place I cherish the most.

And today, a few hours later, my batchmates will be registering for their pre-university programme, ASASIpintar in UKM, which is under Permata as well. I am so excited for them. I am happy they will all meet each other again. I wish they will find what their passions are. I hope they will survive and thrive through all the hardships they will face there (not being negative, but every thing has its downs to test all of us) and make good memories.

For others who are and will be in somewhere else, I wish you the same.

We might be going our own ways, but the spirit stays. I pray that we will carve the best journeys in our lives.

Good luck :) 

May 20, 2016

(some scribbles)

"Why are you here? ...again?"

"No, I'm not the same person. I may look the same, but that is just a manifestation. This is the real me. I don't exist, as a character. I am just an illusion sent by Someone. This is just a test to gauge your values."

Looking at his baffled face and messy hair, she continues, "You have shown that the outside doesn't matter, but the inside. A virtue that creatures like you, humans, is almost impossible to achieve. Your eyes have transcended the norm with intensity no one else could do. [I am] fortunate to feel that however, this is not permanent but ephemeral. Till here, my job is done. Congratulations..."

"And good night," her hand swipes lightly over his forehead. That particular parts of his memories are erased. He shall never know her. Then, she flies away to the sky and disappears within the stars.

He falls back to sleep, but this time, very soundly.

***

I stepped into the class, feeling a bit cheery. I placed my bag on top of the table and greeted her.

Her dark eyes were looking at me, as she inhaled the inhaler. It was a quick breath but a soothing one for her.

Her eyes were closed for a second, then she continued doing her own work but I stayed still.

I did not know that a breath was taken from me as well. 

May 9, 2016

Gender Inferiority

Started semester exam horribly. Screwed all chemistry papers. The other three subjects' conditions: Unknown but slightly better than chemistry. Done with semester exam. Thought of the reports my parents and sponsor going to get from the college with red letters somewhere. Stopped thinking and slept for almost three hours. Woke up as a zombie, ate instant noodles, started drafting a few sentences for personal statement. Stopped and searched for physics course outline in Princeton. As how interesting it seemed to be, I gulped a tonne of saliva. Started to doubt myself for deciding on taking physics. Looked at my mid-semester tracking grade report. Not good. Searched for 'Do you need to be smart to study physics?' on Google. Read some articles. Managed to regain some self-confidence. Found another article on girls in physics. Puffs of anger steamed.

I don't know but all this while, I never regard any gender is more superior to the other in anything. Despite the stigma and apparent statistics, I still can't fathom why people should submit to that. It's just each person's damn preference. It doesn't mean girls cannot excel in physics or guys who study biology are 'soft'. Associating girls with life sciences and language and boys with engineering and physical sciences is one of the stereotypes I hate so much.

I can't stand it especially when there are girls who actually obey that, saying "Yah we are a bit dumber than guys. Guys can score without studying, they're sooooo much smarter than us" and keep degrading girls; their own gender like ugh I just can't fathom that. Why do you have to look down at your capabilities so much? Like just ugh I just can't stand that that whenever somebody says that I'll tell them right in the face, "Females are equally smart. No perhaps I should change that: There's no difference. It depends on individuals, not gender."

I won't declare myself as a feminist. I advocate for gender equality to opportunities no matter female or male. I won't say, "I'm a female physics undergraduate and I'm proud." instead I would say:
"I'm a female, I take physics and it's nothing particular. Because knowledge is for all."
There's a difference there, a HUGE one. That's why, sometimes I think it's not that necessary for a club "Society for Women in Physics" or something like that to be established (but regarding this, I have little disagreement about it so generally I wouldn't care that much if there are societies like this because it does give great help to some girls out there who need the external support.)

Personally, I never think about gender factor in pursuing knowledge. Knowledge is just there, take it if you want it. And if the statistics show, for example, most girls don't take physics, then let be it. You can conclude many girls don't major in physics but for society to induce that it's because girls are not capable to do physics? That's bullshit.

And it's so painful and downright frustrating to be in a society who thinks like that. I pity boys who get ridiculed for taking biology or history or language and to see them shunning away from taking what they want. Like, how do you even label a subject to be for 'girls and soft boys' I just don't get it. I sometimes am neglected in class physics discussion because well people just think that girls are not interested in physics and just gossips only??? Not even near to truth.

I know I may not be a total suitable person to advocate this because some might think "Yeah say this when you finally get an A******* for physics" well damn you because even if I fail, it's because of me, my own mistakes, my own capability and not my GENDER.

And there goes the anger. 

Apr 18, 2016

Liberation

This evening -
"Are you okay?"
maybe because she had broken her pencil,
or the heaps of laundry in her room,
or Statistics drove her impatient,
or the fact that someone stole her months-long work - so mad that her hand shook,
or that she hadn't called her parents in a while,
or the short writing that she missed,
or just because her hair cream is finished
making her hair unkempt

It bugged her for three weeks
and right this evening,
her questions answered
her emotions cleared
her mind purified
she felt too elated
because she is liberated

She felt so happy she could scream,
jump,
laugh
for a reason she herself wasn't sure.

"You smile too much to be happy"
Stromae sang
and the question "كيف حلك؟"
her reply was "انا بخير"

Mar 29, 2016

Physics

So... you were bored. You scrolled different tabs infinitely and found nothing interesting to linger long enough. So you went to your blog posts and started reading all the old posts. Then you found one of the most viewed posts: Physics Olympiad Camp Day 1, which was posted two years ago, 1st of April 2014.

Then you continued reading the next post, which summed up everything that happened in the whole week of iPhO (International Physics Olympiad) camp. You found it hilarious and a little bit over-reacting but it was actually true though. It WAS really hard. You thought you wouldn't make it to the next round, but you did. But of course it was HARDER and kinda scarred you for life whenever the word 'physics' comes into your mind.

But now you are in pre-university, and you are getting closer to a more advanced syllabus. Every step leading to that level reminds you of the Advanced Physics course you joined when you were 15, the two iPhO camps you were selected when you were 16, then the 'extra advanced physics' class that you joined when you were 17 and when you finally made a decision that, "Yes, I'm going to pursue Biophysics." You had a very interesting memory lane with physics, even now - but I think it should not be shared LMAO

And through all these physics experience, is where you find your circle of friends. People that you can talk advanced physics (without mastering the basics first hahaha) with. People who teach you more than just physics. Seriously, real physics enthusiasts, they don't teach just physics. They teach about everything. Or is physics everything? Hmm you'll keep that in mind to chew. And who teach you to chew stuffs in your brain? People from the physics memory lane. Who help you to reach this state - this 'Wee Soo May' state? Those people.

You like physics not because you are particularly good in it. You like it because it is otherwise. You like it because you can't beat physics. Physics always beats you. Whenever you successfully solved a physics question, you had that 'Eureka' moment and celebrated it for a while, but then you knew you would not be having that for a long time again.

But that is what makes it interesting! And that people should not link 'interest in physics' to 'A* in physics'. Well you can, but it isn't necessarily that. You can be dumb, but you can still be enchanted by how universe is made. And isn't that smart? 

Mar 5, 2016

Smiles and Tears (Part 2)

Results day wasn't a day we all wait for. Yes, we were impatient, it's like - "Oh please be quick and just get done with this anxiety!". The moment we get our result, is the moment which tells us if we get to stay together or not. It's that moment, that brief second once you see your result which determines everything. And none of us were ready for bad news.

And I saw my results, I sighed a big deal of relief. I get to stay! And I wish others could too and we all will stay together, enjoying 18 months here, I thought.

But life isn't a wish-granting factory, May. "People come and go", that's what he said. And I wish I did not have to listen to that.

How I wish all 12 of us could stay and do A-Levels together. How I wish all 12 of us could go to YK annual dinner together. How I wish all 12 of us could have more YK hangouts together, take more selfies together. The previous one and half month we spent here was just not enough. I took it for granted.

The sadness is real. It stings. It stings especially when you are alone in a place where you and them always hang out.

Yesterday I failed to pay attention in classes. Chemistry class was the worst. It was the only block I shared with him. Some bulbs had problems so the whole lab looked so dull. My usual chemistry partner wasn't next to me. I felt so lonely and the atmosphere was just as dull as I was. Every single time I needed to explain why they must leave turned to a battle of tears. Both of them are so nice people, no one believes they are leaving. No one wants them to leave.

If it weren't for the rest 11 people, I wouldn't have been so strong in college. I would have floundered. They are the people I can talk to so comfortably. We faced through so many stages together from last year till now, we have known each other longer than most of 18.5s. It's like, in my mind, whenever I see any of them around, I'll be like, "That's my ohana."

And now some of my 'ohana' members are leaving, how is that not devastating? No one is going to tease the latecomers by texting 'engine dah start' during Axiom classes. No one is going to sit next to me during Chemistry. No one is going to help me with Chemistry anymore. No one is going to help me cleaning lab apparatus anymore. No one is going to teach me tennis anymore. No one is going to treat me food anymore. No one is going to talk to me in Pantai Timur dialect anymore.

And definitely, no one is going to teach me to be humble as how much as he does.

And both of them had left. Earlier than we all expected. It hurts damn much when I did not manage to send him back. The skies cried earlier but the chill retains. And that's how my heart is now. Cold and dull.

I wish you two all the best. I believe that you two can succeed somewhere else. I really, really do. Once a YK scholar, always a YK scholar. We are forever the YK family, the YK scholars, the Yelling Knives band, the KB Winds and also the YK Winds. We will miss you two. We are never complete without you two. Good luck, guys. My wish is always with you two. 

Smiles and Tears (Part 1)

The doubt that I had been having since last October has ended. It ended up with unnecessary tears in the beginning until I did not have any tears left for the real thing in the end.

However, I am very grateful. I felt like the stones that have been pressing on my heart had been lifted up. The world seems like, "Yes, no obstruction (for the mean time)!" I can finally step into my current college, feeling like I am one of them. No more hesitation to join anything because I will be staying for 18 months.

Then I realised, that's my own self-interest. The dreams I built as I held my result slip seemed so beautiful, until I saw others' slowly assuming theirs' have shattered. Red eyes. Running nose. Soft but obvious sobbing.

I felt like I was a very useless person because I turned out to be speechless when he cried in front of me. I felt like I am the worst friend ever. If we could have hugged, I would have offered one. I felt like I can float in a sea of tears but there I was, failed to produce any tears. My tear bags were dry; I regretted crying unnecessarily. But he is still so supportive of me. Many still congratulated me. Apart from making me feel sadder, they made me realised that these are the people I should never let go.

I did not manage to see many of my teachers. Luckily I met a lot of my other friends (including juniors), though I did not manage to take some photos with them. Also, I did not manage to see another two of my researchmates. As I reminisced the fond memories we had together, it is pretty sad not to meet all of them. Seriously, you guys are very special in my friends list.

And also by saying that (previous paragraph), I realise I lack the appreciation to the people I met. So, to those I met, I am very glad I managed to meet all of you guys, really. I just really, really hope it is not the last time we meet each other. It might be a little harder to meet all of you guys, but I am sure if there is a will there is a way.

To end Part 1,

Friends. It does not matter how good or how 'terrible' (which I actually don't think 'terrible' results exist - they are all brilliant in its own way) your result is, just to let you know that I am very proud of what you have done. Really, I know everyone must have put at least a little effort. I have been with you guys for two years and many of you I have known for more than 2 years (almost 6 years, in fact), I see the journey we all embarked with my own eyes. I don't mind the destination, what we have done matters more.

I always wish the best for all of us. 

Jan 25, 2016

Gratitude

Such a long weekend. And I have so much time and space alone to think and appreciate many stuffs.

First of all, coming to KY has made me a more appreciative person. If it's not for YK scholarship, I wouldn't have ended up here. I couldn't afford to enter here or even to do any international/private syllabus (A-Levels, IB, ADP etc you name it) using my own money. Entering here isn't even included in my dreams; it's financially impossible to reach.

But yeah, now I am in KY doing A-Levels.

And I couldn't appreciate more for coming from an average income family. I did help working in my father's shop and teaching in my mother's tuition center and that taught me money really does not come easy. At least in my family context. Because of this, I appreciate things that are given to me more. Scholarships do not come easy too so I am grateful I get one. And this has helped to alleviate my parents' burden and I am so thankful for it.

There is never a dream in my life to become rich, or to hope that my family will become richer. Because I know if I wish for those things, I wouldn't have been the present me.

And definitely, it is a blessing to feel grateful a lot of times. I think my heart has expanded more.

KY is always breezy and as the wind sweeps through my hair, I would always spare some time looking at the sceneries here. It's breathtaking; the fact that the view calms my soul and that I am here, witnessing this with my own eyes.

Thank God.

And during this weekend too I spent time to catch up with my good old friends. I talked to one friend for more than 2 hours and also WhatsApp-ed another friend for almost one whole day.

"We are really at different sides of the world. It's like an intersection of two planets, where you and I are at the intersection point."

And that, thank you, my friend. I am very glad we have the same mind, we have each other to support each other's back and that we are happy for each other, no matter what we do and where we end up.  

Jan 17, 2016

KY Week 1: Things I've Learnt

It has been an entirely tiring induction week. Woke up early, slept late. Little breaks. Long walks. Lack of appetite. Punishments. Weak Wi-Fi. New names. Same names. New rules. New abbreviations (ex. SC, SS, MusCom, RC, MPH, DH, GH etc). People who don't know what Permata is. And the list goes on. Too much to say.

The last session of the induction week was ended with speeches from President and an ex-President from batch 7.0 and their speeches were about, 'you will never find another place where you can trust anyone. It's a completely different place, where you will find your family, where your heart belongs in, where this is your home etc'. They didn't exactly say that as what I typed but the main point was that KY is supposed to be a very special place; you can't find the 'warmth' elsewhere.

However, I believe I've found the 'warmth' much earlier, and at somewhere else.

And it is Permata. That night, I wondered throughout the whole speeches. I wondered, "what if you enter Permata? Will you have said that? Or would you have said differently?" I know so many Permata students who will always have Permata in their hearts, it's always etched in our hearts. Nothing can replace it. But that doesn't mean KY can't be in my heart. KY can always be in my heart, alongside Permata. But KY will never be the only place in my heart because I know I've also found home in Permata.

Permata. A place where people from scattered parts of the nation and different social ranks and family backgrounds are chucked into a small, united place in a jungle through stages of IQ tests. We are supposed to be the 'gifted' students; true or not, I don't know. What matters more is, we all somehow clicked. We somehow finally found people who share the same spark. We somehow finally found a place we can express our souls.

At least for me, I know I can't find that somewhere else. At least for the mean time, that is why the title of this post is KY Week 1. Because it's just the first week. And yeah, I'm talking about what I learnt from the first week.

Next, I've also learnt that yeah, I always end up being lonely. No matter where, I always end up walking alone. But in Permata or in KY or even anywhere, I don't feel it's a problem. But to others, I seem to be a sad loner. Honestly, I wouldn't find it sad at all if I don't have to talk or listen to superficial, small talks or gossips or stuffs that do not matter. It's nicer to breathe in, breathe out, watch the scenery, think but man, it's weird to do it here because people think I'm a loner with no friends or life! If you talk something useful, of course I'll talk back to you. But if you're talking nonsense, of course I wouldn't bother you. If I have not so much friends here I don't mind, as long as the few friends I made are worth it. But I believe as time passes, many will learn to understand.

I find myself hard to find someone with the same heart and mind here and I feel low. The old feeling haunts back. As how lonely as it is, I am used to it. Well this is me. Why do I need to change? I do need to improve myself but not change to be a completely different person. But when I find someone who is lonelier than me and has to fake herself just to fit in, I feel like, "man, that's sad. You don't have to change to make friends, you know." And so it just hit me that I need to help her and pull her to the right side that it is damn okay to be yourself. So the lesson here is, even though you think you're going down, it doesn't mean you don't have to help people who are way down than you. Just, help. As much as you can. This reminds me of my group facilitator who said he is willing to do anything just to make others happy. Great senior.

And so, another thing I've learnt. Making friends with seniors is easier and is more enlightening. Talking to them is always satisfying and intellectual, someway and somehow. Also, shout out to Izzat and Azfar, my Permata-mates aka Prodigies 1314 aka seniors 18.0 who are very supportive and talks with them just make me feel like home again (as in Permata). Through them and also the induction week I've known a few other people, guys especially. YK brothers and sisters are all very nice too. Quite close with the YK boys, they're damn funny man. Approved by YK girls. I have more guy friends than girl friends, no offense girls. I'm not a girl anyway. *smirks* lol

So this long post is about...?

It's about KY going to be one of the places I'll find the 'warmth' soon. It won't be easy at first, but with the support I have, I have no worries.

P/S: Can't wait for all the activities coming soon and yeah, A Levels!!! Bring it on!

Jan 3, 2016

2016

Wello bello hello 2016 what's up

It's a brand new year but it's not going to be so if we ourselves don't attempt to renew it. So, start afresh. Stay light and focused. Complete resolutions. Stay kind. Engage more. Seek truths. Fix weaknesses. Unleash potentials.

I will be going to somewhere totally new, another different phase of life. New people, new atmosphere, new lifestyle. Everything's going to be new, different from Permata. Sometimes I have this slight worry if anyone from there won't be the same as the ones I appreciate in Permata. What if there's no friend whom I can run to and just talk about ideas, philosophies etc? What if I can't find someone whom I can debunk myths together? What if I can't find someone whom I can find inspirations from him/her? What if I can't find someone who is... like Permata?

And I wonder again, why must I find someone who is like Permata? It's another place, of course you'll find different people! You'll find KYUEM people (eh?). I wonder how will the culture be like... Permata is home to me. It's (oddly) a cage that sets me free. Where I can just think, explore, express all my muses, feelings etc despite stressful life and some ridiculous rules

Now I have the insecurity if the new place will be like Permata. I don't want it to be a place which confines my brain and soul. I need to be free.

But one thing for sure, I'll keep my Permata spirit kindled all the time.

For the mean time, the new friends I've made are not bad at all. (We already have a WhatsApp group; that's fast) I am so glad I have other 11 people together, at least their presence is affirming enough. And I hope all 12 of us stay together until the end, no casualties.

Come on May. This is a new challenge. Just do it! It might not be as bad as you think. And hey, you're unofficially 18. Time to grow up buddy.

And yes, 2015 has been a really, really good year. I am grateful.