Mar 5, 2016

Smiles and Tears (Part 2)

Results day wasn't a day we all wait for. Yes, we were impatient, it's like - "Oh please be quick and just get done with this anxiety!". The moment we get our result, is the moment which tells us if we get to stay together or not. It's that moment, that brief second once you see your result which determines everything. And none of us were ready for bad news.

And I saw my results, I sighed a big deal of relief. I get to stay! And I wish others could too and we all will stay together, enjoying 18 months here, I thought.

But life isn't a wish-granting factory, May. "People come and go", that's what he said. And I wish I did not have to listen to that.

How I wish all 12 of us could stay and do A-Levels together. How I wish all 12 of us could go to YK annual dinner together. How I wish all 12 of us could have more YK hangouts together, take more selfies together. The previous one and half month we spent here was just not enough. I took it for granted.

The sadness is real. It stings. It stings especially when you are alone in a place where you and them always hang out.

Yesterday I failed to pay attention in classes. Chemistry class was the worst. It was the only block I shared with him. Some bulbs had problems so the whole lab looked so dull. My usual chemistry partner wasn't next to me. I felt so lonely and the atmosphere was just as dull as I was. Every single time I needed to explain why they must leave turned to a battle of tears. Both of them are so nice people, no one believes they are leaving. No one wants them to leave.

If it weren't for the rest 11 people, I wouldn't have been so strong in college. I would have floundered. They are the people I can talk to so comfortably. We faced through so many stages together from last year till now, we have known each other longer than most of 18.5s. It's like, in my mind, whenever I see any of them around, I'll be like, "That's my ohana."

And now some of my 'ohana' members are leaving, how is that not devastating? No one is going to tease the latecomers by texting 'engine dah start' during Axiom classes. No one is going to sit next to me during Chemistry. No one is going to help me with Chemistry anymore. No one is going to help me cleaning lab apparatus anymore. No one is going to teach me tennis anymore. No one is going to treat me food anymore. No one is going to talk to me in Pantai Timur dialect anymore.

And definitely, no one is going to teach me to be humble as how much as he does.

And both of them had left. Earlier than we all expected. It hurts damn much when I did not manage to send him back. The skies cried earlier but the chill retains. And that's how my heart is now. Cold and dull.

I wish you two all the best. I believe that you two can succeed somewhere else. I really, really do. Once a YK scholar, always a YK scholar. We are forever the YK family, the YK scholars, the Yelling Knives band, the KB Winds and also the YK Winds. We will miss you two. We are never complete without you two. Good luck, guys. My wish is always with you two. 

Smiles and Tears (Part 1)

The doubt that I had been having since last October has ended. It ended up with unnecessary tears in the beginning until I did not have any tears left for the real thing in the end.

However, I am very grateful. I felt like the stones that have been pressing on my heart had been lifted up. The world seems like, "Yes, no obstruction (for the mean time)!" I can finally step into my current college, feeling like I am one of them. No more hesitation to join anything because I will be staying for 18 months.

Then I realised, that's my own self-interest. The dreams I built as I held my result slip seemed so beautiful, until I saw others' slowly assuming theirs' have shattered. Red eyes. Running nose. Soft but obvious sobbing.

I felt like I was a very useless person because I turned out to be speechless when he cried in front of me. I felt like I am the worst friend ever. If we could have hugged, I would have offered one. I felt like I can float in a sea of tears but there I was, failed to produce any tears. My tear bags were dry; I regretted crying unnecessarily. But he is still so supportive of me. Many still congratulated me. Apart from making me feel sadder, they made me realised that these are the people I should never let go.

I did not manage to see many of my teachers. Luckily I met a lot of my other friends (including juniors), though I did not manage to take some photos with them. Also, I did not manage to see another two of my researchmates. As I reminisced the fond memories we had together, it is pretty sad not to meet all of them. Seriously, you guys are very special in my friends list.

And also by saying that (previous paragraph), I realise I lack the appreciation to the people I met. So, to those I met, I am very glad I managed to meet all of you guys, really. I just really, really hope it is not the last time we meet each other. It might be a little harder to meet all of you guys, but I am sure if there is a will there is a way.

To end Part 1,

Friends. It does not matter how good or how 'terrible' (which I actually don't think 'terrible' results exist - they are all brilliant in its own way) your result is, just to let you know that I am very proud of what you have done. Really, I know everyone must have put at least a little effort. I have been with you guys for two years and many of you I have known for more than 2 years (almost 6 years, in fact), I see the journey we all embarked with my own eyes. I don't mind the destination, what we have done matters more.

I always wish the best for all of us.